Forgiveness

Tom and I recently had the misfortune of finding ourselves at the target of hurtful words from two people we love and trusted very much. It came out of no where. It was unprovoked and uncalled for. They even stooped so low as to insult our children. I can not tell you how deeply painful this was. We have been nothing but kind towards them. If we were so awful why did you come over all the time? Why did you readily babysit?

I don't really need to go in to detail about what they said (because it's completely untrue and therefore irrelevant), but basically they gave us unsolicited parenting advice (and said mean things on Facebook no less!), which they know very little about. It's much like trying to do surgery when you've only completed your undergrad. Their excuse was that they "wanted to help." But honestly, I thought everyone knew not to give advice unless it's asked for, especially if you have less knowledge than the person you are giving it to.

The bottom line is they had no right to criticize us. They haven't dealt with potty-training, bedtime battles, back-talking, picky eating, tantrums, sibling quarrels, or serious lessons in patience. And that's just to name a few! So yeah, I gotta news flash for ya, the way my 3-year acts is completely normal! I can safely say ALL my friends that have/are parented/parenting a 2 or 3 year old say all the same things. "It's so frustrating. I want to hide in the closet and scream. What am I doing wrong? They think they are in charge."

I spoke to a few family members and a couple close friends and no one, NO ONE, agreed with anything they had to say. (Yes, they are many other people who have spent lots of time around my family.) Everyone assured me my children are good, (gasp!) well-behaved even! That children go through phases of trying to see how much they can get away with and where discipline is frustrating because nothing seems to work. They all reassured me that I am a great mommy and that I am doing a wonderful job. (I can't tell you how much it hurt to question the only thing I knew I was good at!)

So where does that leave me? Do I forgive them even though they haven't apologized? Does forgiving mean that there is some truth in what they said? The answers are actually very simple. Yes, I forgive because I am forgiven. And no, just because I forgive them, therefore releasing whatever anger and bitterness they have caused, doesn't mean there is an ounce of truth to anything they said.

"The secret of forgiving everything is to understand nothing." ~ Shaw

And I do understand nothing. I don't know why they said what they said with such anger and hurtful words. But I still choose to forgive them. I will not be burdened by anger and bitterness in my heart. It will only continue to worsen and grow if I don't forgive and move on.

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time." ~ Paddison

I love this quote I found. Even though we (and several others) agree an apology is owed for insulting those dearest to my heart, I am not holding my breath. They will find out soon enough just how wrong they were when (not if) they find themselves in the exact same situation.

In the meantime, if they are reading this, then I just want to say: Even though you really hurt us, we still love you. And I forgive you for what you did and said. Someone keeps asking why he doesn't see you anymore. It breaks my heart to look in those big, blue eyes and see his hurt. I don't really know what to say to him, except I love him and I think he's a smart, amazing, wonderful, darling boy. No matter what anyone says.

Reevaluating

Ever since I became a mother nearly three years ago almost everything in my life has changed, and most of it for the better. My full-time job is now taking care of my children. My relationship with my husband has been taken to a deeper level. My house isn't as clean and organized as it used to be. And my friendships have changed dramatically.

Lately I have been feeling forgotten by my friends - left out of social gatherings and parties. I guess it's because I haven't been around much since Raleigh's birth, and admittedly, I haven't been the best at keeping in touch. But taking care of two little ones and trying to do all the things running a household requires plus trying to earn money to make ends meet doesn't leave any time for socialization. Aside from those reasons, Raleigh is still (at 8 months old) depending solely on me for food (though secretly I don't mind a bit), so needless to say he goes everywhere with me.

Honestly, I am not sorry for putting my motherly and wifely duties first. I have to. I am the one that keeps everything running. I recognize that as an introvert I have to make a conscience effort to be social. I'd much rather be home with my little family. I am learning not to take everything so personally. Maybe they don't like me anymore because my kids are so darn cute and they are jealous? Haha! Okay, that's probably not the real reason.

A week or so ago here is how my Facebook said read "Brittany is reevaluating her friendships and trying not to take everything so personally. There are a few friends I hold most dear, that I could count on for anything. They love me no matter what and we are there for each other. I can't be all things to all people, and frankly, I'm not gonna try." Almost immediately several of my friends e-mailed me saying they knew exactly what I was going through. I appreciated that so much. It meant that I wasn't crazy or a bad person for reevaluating who my friends really were.

I do find myself relying mostly on those friends that are in the same place I am right now, home with little ones. And since my time is valuable I am realizing that I need to step away from my high-maintenance friendships. I simply can't do it all. I can't maintain a house, give my husband and sons what they need, and try to keep alive one-sided friendships.

Anyway, I just needed to get all this out. My blog is really my only outlet. And I don't know if anyone reads it, but that's what's going on with me right now. Reevaluating, yet thanking God for every blessing that keeps my life full.

In Case You are Wondering....

It's amazing how many people have asked us if we are going to "try for a girl." Even after we had Tennyson the question began to surface, but now it's like people just assume that since we have 2 boys that we want or need a girl.

The short answer to the prying question is "NO!" I am already so miffed at being asked that it's starting to go something like this, "So...are you gonna try for a girl?" My response, "WHY would I do that?" Besides that, I don't think it's right trying for a boy or girl that you may or may not get and ending up with more kids than you intended to or can afford.

Truthfully, I always wanted boys. I am so not a girly-girl. I hate shopping for clothes and shoes (just ask Tom). When I was growing up I spent more time playing with my brother's G.I. Joe's and climbing trees than playing house. And besides, should I need some girl time I have 3 sisters, 3 sisters-in-law, and lots of friends.

I am not one of these women with a burning desire to have a daughter. I love, love, love having little "Toms" around. To see the bond Tom has with his sons is indescribable. It's great having trains, trucks, and Hot Wheels cars all over the house! (And for the record, I would not deal well with a Drama Queen. There's no chance of that with sons!)

I realize that at 31 I don't have to make a decision about baby #3 right now. But always in the back of my mind is the fact that I would have to have a third c-section, and after the difficult time I had with Raleigh I am not sure I want to go through that again. Deciding to have a third would be based on us wanting a third no matter what the gender. Sometimes it's easy to think, "Oh, let's have another. All my friends are pregnant!" (I think I have the most fertile friends in the world! Haha!) But I really want time to enjoy and nurture each child individually, especially in the early years. My parents did lots of things right, but I rarely got one-on-one time with 6 brothers and sisters around, so I don't want to have that "problem," no matter if we have 2 kids or 3.

So yeah, lots to think about. But thankfully, I am not in a hurry. I am just enjoying these days raising my 2 wonderful boys! I'm sure gonna miss it someday.

Memories

It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home.
~Author Unknown

On December 18th we were forced to move from the only home Tom and I had shared together since being married in June 2004. Our landlord got a divorce last year and decided to sell the townhouse (or rather, he had to sell it), so we had no choice but to move. Even though we were renters we cared for it like it was our own home.

I was especially sad to leave since I had lived in that home longer than I had lived anywhere in my whole life. So to say I was emotionally attached to it is an understatement. After only 5 weeks notice with Thanksgiving and Christmas in there, packing (mostly by myself), cleaning, etc. we moved the day before the blizzard hit. We wanted to be in our new place by Christmas so we could enjoy the holiday and then go back and clean.

So on January 2nd Tom and I said a very tearful good-bye to our first home. As we shut the door for the last time I was flooded with memories. Like coming back from our honeymoon, finding it decorated by friends and filled with all the wedding presents. I remembered all the good times Tom and I shared there before becoming parents. I relived bringing Tennyson home from the hospital and all the amazing life he gave to that house, learning to walk, running through the kitchen and hearing his little feet smack the floor, leaving fingerprints on the back door, and playing in the sprinkler in the backyard. And more recently I pictured again walking through the front door with little Raleigh.

It just broke our hearts to leave it, but life goes on. On the upside, we are in a more convenient location with a 3rd bedroom. But we miss the roominess of the old place, the big backyard, and our neighbors. However, we are optimistically looking forward to all the precious memories we will make in our new place. Afterall, home is where you are surrounded by the ones you love and not the house itself.

What I Didn't Know About Becoming a Mother

I was reflecting the other day on how much my life has changed in 2 short years. Instead of office work my days are now filled with nursing, diaper changes, housework, playing trains, reading Curious George, and the list is endless. The journey of motherhood has been challenging at times, and I was thinking about all the things I didn't know before I became a mommy.....and what I know now:

I didn't know giving birth would not go as I had planned.

I didn't know breastfeeding was going to be so difficult.

I didn't know how tired you can be and still function.

I didn't know how many loads of laundry a baby can accumulate.

I didn't know how dirty my house could get after one day "off."

I didn't know hearing my baby cry could make me cry as well.

I didn't know how competitive some mothers can be.

I didn't know I'd have to put my screaming baby down and walk away until I could tend to him with love.

I didn't know how much a baby could affect your love life.

I didn't know how expensive children are.

I didn't know you could read the same story 7 times a day but still look forward to it if it meant snuggling with my child.

I didn't know how my boys came into the world was so very unimportant, but rather that they were healthy and fearfully and wonderfully made.

I didn't know hearing "I love you, Mommy" could overwhelm me.

I didn't know the smell of my newborn was something I'd always remember.

I didn't know looking into my little boys' eyes would be so amazing.

I didn't know having their little fingers wrapped around mine would make everything all right.

I didn't know his hug could make me feel like there is nowhere else I'd rather be.

I didn't know seeing them smile would make my world stand still.

I didn't know the first time I saw my sons I would fall so in love.

I didn't know having another baby could mean loving them both with all my heart.

I didn't know creating something with my husband could be so beautiful.

I didn't know the meaning of unconditional love until I held them in my arms.

I didn't know when my boy got a boo-boo I would feel his pain.

I didn't know how much I could pray.

I didn't know having children would bring my husband and I closer together.

I didn't know how amazing my God was until He wove such perfection within me.

I didn't know how much God really loves us until I tried to fathom the sacrifice of His only son.

Thoughts from a Wondering Mother

So I have been thinking a lot lately about how life is going to change with the addition of our second baby this summer. Obviously there are logisitics to work out: when to transition Tennyson out of the crib (of course, he's been able to climb out of it for months now), how to teach him gentleness with his little brother, how I am going to get through my day with little sleep (at first) and take care of a 2-year old, and how to juggle the needs of a newborn on top of watching kids, bookkeeping, and everything that goes into running a household. But most of all I worry about Tennyson.

I know every mother in this situation thinks the same thing. How is my firstborn going to react to not being the only child anymore? Will he start to misbehave for attention? Will he love his brother? Will they be best friends for life? How can I possibly love another one as much as I love Tennyson? It may sound bad, but honestly, that's what I am worried about. But I know when I see his little face for the first time and hold him in my arms it will be just like it was with Tennyson. Pure, unconditional love. And somehow I will love them BOTH with all my heart.

I don't know how many more times (if any) I'll get pregnant, so I am taking the time to treasure this baby's kicks in the womb, enjoy the last few months with our little family of three, and not rush through my days. Once they are gone you can't get them back. And someday......I just might wish for that.

Our Love Story: The Engagement & Wedding

*This is a follow-up to yesterday's post.*

Once we got engaged I went into full-on wedding planning mode! Isn't that every girl's dream? Since I knew I wasn't going to have any help from my family, I hired an awesome wedding coordinator, which was one of the best decisions. Tom and I paid for our wedding entirely by ourselves, save a little bit his parents were able to give us. (Of course, with so many daughters my parents didn't pay for my other two sisters' weddings.) But that was fine with us. Tom and I had both put ourselves through college, were self-supporting employed adults, so I think we were a little too...mature for assistance anyway. :-)

Despite the increasing dissatisfaction over our impending wedding, we were optimistic and excited about planning our life together. I would be remiss if I did not mention all the wonderful friends and church and school family that supported Tom and I 100% percent! (Another sign to us that we were in God's will. We actually approached some of those people to get their honest opinion and none of them agreed with any of the family's "concerns.") I am not going to go into what was said, what e-mails we got, who was e-mailing who and spreading untruths, and who was pressuring who into being on "their" side. It's in the past, and though we get over it and forgive, sometimes you never forget what was said and it still hurts. But what a blessing forgiveness is, especially for the forgiver. It may be the hardest thing I've ever had to do!

Tom and I did go through intense pre-martial counseling with the Sensabaughs, and a better couple we could not have chosen. Mark was the perfect person to "handle" my parents, and he was very open about meeting with them during this time. Mark saw NO reason we should not get married and was fully supportive of us, a feeling that was even more solidified after some of those meetings, because he realized very little of the ugly mess actually had anything to do with Tom! It was so great to have the insight and support of an unbiased person, one who had our best interest, both as a couple AND as individuals at heart. I joke that we wouldn't have gotten married if it hadn't been for Mark's Godly counsel and wisdom!

Yes, it was hard to shop for a wedding dress without any of my sisters or my mom there. It was disappointing none of my siblings wanted to be in our wedding. But the hardest thing of all was that my father didn't walk me down the aisle. To this day that is the only thing from the situation that still brings tears of sadness to my eyes. During one particular heated conversation with my parents a few weeks before the wedding. I told my mother that if she couldn't be supportive then not to come. That's right. I told my own mother not to come to my wedding. By far the worst day of the whole ordeal. (In the end she did come. Thank goodness the "if anyone here objects part" wasn't utilized! Hahaha!!!!)

The night before our wedding, during the rehearsal, the most wonderful thing happened. My older brother offered to walk me down the aisle! I didn't know what to say! I asked if he was serious and he said, "I don't want you to get lost." (Okay, now I am crying.) What an amazing brother! I really feel like he was my angel that day. Standing by me no matter what, when I felt like the others in my family weren't doing the same.

Despite all the drama our wedding was the most wonderful, beautiful, peace-filled day we've ever had! Only God could do that in the midst of the unseen chaos around us. We sang a few worship songs during our ceremony, praising God for how far he'd brought us. That we had finally made it to our wedding day! You'd think a bride in that situation would have been beside herself, but no. I was calm. Collected. Peaceful. Knowing that I was fully walking in God's will for my life. Never at any time during the previous months did I have a doubt that Tom was the one God chose for me. I told Tom that I often expected him to look at me and say, "You're so not worth all this. See ya." His unwavering response, "But you are worth it."

And the rest, as they say, is history. We got married that day and left the next morning for an amazing honeymoon at Disney World! How we came to be husband and wife is quite the journey, but I know it's made us stronger and the bond we share is inseperable.

Our marriage always seems to be the simpliest thing in my life. Tom's father passed away in August 2o05, in 2006 we struggled to get pregnant and went through fertility treatments, in 2007 the BEST thing happened in Tennyson joining our family, but then I lost my job. So our circumstances haven't always been the easiest. But God is faithful and because Tom and I fought so hard to get married we don't take it for granted. We know what a blessing we have in each other, and that's helped during some of those tough times.

I think the best way to finish is with the lyrics for "Love is Not a Fight" by Warren Barfield. It says EXACTLY how we felt during those long months when we were fighting so hard to get married.

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
Work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for

To some love is a word
that they can fall into.
But when they're falling out
keeping that word is hard to do

Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
but demand we give our all

Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for.

Cause I Will Fight For You
Would You Fight For Me
It's Worth Fighting For.

I am so glad we fought. And we are grateful every day that time heals wounds and we have both of our families' support. Now I can't imagine it any other way.

Our Love Story: How It All Started

*This subject has been on my mind constantly the last few days, and I felt the need to share it, not only to document (I don't journal), but also to remind myself just how far Tom and I have come. For those of you reading this that are family members, forgiveness was granted so long ago (whether or not there was an apology), so please do not think we hold any grudges. I just needed to share our story and it's impossible to do so without mentioning such a big part of what helped shape us as a couple.*

Somehow on June 12th Tom and I will have been married five years. Somehow. That doesn't just mean, "Wow, time has really flown." It means so much more. It's not like we almost didn't get married, but we certainly had a rough time getting to the altar. A lot of you reading this supported us. A lot you know some of the story. I just can't help but remember where we were five years ago today and that trying time we went through.

But here is how Our Love Story began:

Tom and I met in December 2001, in hindsight it was a not-so-sneaky attempt at my mom's matchmaking ability. He worked with her at Family Christian, a lonely bachelor from out of state, and she felt sorry for him and often invited him to family dinners. The following month I invited him to a Super Bowl party that my co-ed single's group from Covenant Presbyterian was hosting. A month or so later he moved to Harper's Ferry, and so I didn't see him again until August at the fairgrounds for the Michael W. Smith concert. My mother had given him my phone number so he could find me there. He walked by me on the bleachers and he said he needed to get back to Harper's Ferry. At that moment I felt sad he was leaving and I knew......I liked him.

Tom moved back to Harrisonburg in November 2002 to take a teaching position at Blue Ridge Christian School. We spent almost every day together over Thanksgiving break. But Sunday came and went and we didn't hang out. We both admitted later how lost we felt without the other one around. A few days later we had "the talk." I told him I wasn't interested in casual dating and if he didn't think there was a possibility of us ending up married then not to waste my time. I made it clear that he HAD to agree with me on two things 1) abortion was wrong (yes, it's that big of a deal to me!) and 2) I had to have children someday. Well, On (Sunday) December 8th he went to work at an event at Harper's Ferry and said he'd call me on the way home. I was shocked that he actually called! (To this day Tom stills thinks it's funny that I was so surprised he kept his word.) He came over that night and we officially decided to start dating. Yea!

A few months into our dating relationship things started getting tense with my family. Even though my mother essentially set Tom and I up, she suddenly decided that our 14+ year age gap was too much and did not like the fact we were now a couple. I remember when my birthday rolled around that May that things seemed to get worse for some reason. Looking back I think a lot of their feelings were based on Tom's matter-of-fact way of saying things (it's the Jersey in him), and I know he did step on a few toes. But I didn't want to marry a pansy for Heaven's sake! That's one thing that attracted me to him in the first place.

Well, the months went by. We spent time talking, getting to know each other better, taking day trips to Lexington and Harper's Ferry, discussing theology and history. In July we went to New Jersey so I could meet the fam. (Though his parents couldn't wait that long and came at the end of June). We started talking about getting married and subsequently went shopping for rings. (It was such a fun "stage" to be in!) All the while I was feeling increasingly unsupported and careful of everything I said about Tom around certain people. However, our relationship continued to blossom into exactly what we'd both been looking for. (Of course, he was looking for much longer than me. Hahaha!) Unbeknownst to me Tom bought the ring I wanted in November, the day after we saw it, but due to "circumstances" held on to it for SIX weeks! He proposed on Christmas morning (2003) and I didn't hesitate to say "YES!" His family was thrilled. My family.....not so much.

Counting My Blessings

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved watching old movies, especially, the good, wholesome ones from the 40s. In one such movie, "White Christmas", Bing Crosby sings a song called "Count Your Blessings". The lyrics are simple and I often find myself thinking similar thoughts throughout my day.

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

I think a lot about where I was just two years ago: pregnant with our first child, working in a job I loved, yet unsure of what the future held. I had always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and never wanted to have to divide my attention between work and home. But I was prepared to do just that because I couldn't let myself imagine it differently. As the main bread winner I had to keep working. (Of course, I had no one lined up to watch my newborn and worried constantly while I was pregnant about what I was going to do.) Well, I had Tennyson a month early and went on my 8-week maternity leave fully intending on coming back part-time. But in a unexpected turn of events I ended up being "let go" from my job. At the time I felt hurt, rejected, and sad (among other things). And despite my plans falling apart, I soon realized that it was necessary for my deepest, unspoken desires to be fulfilled....all because of His plans for my life.


It was calm and beautiful after the storm of uncertainty. And even though money is beyond tight and we often don't know how we are going to pay our bills, I am content. God has blessed me with great family and friends, an amazing husband, and the best little boy in the world! I have found alternate ways to make up a small fraction of my "lost" income, and though not having to work at all would be ideal, I go to sleep at night counting my blessings. Knowing I am the only one that's cared for my child all day (of course, until Daddy gets home to help) is important to me. Please don't get me wrong, I have no problem with working mothers. I thought I was going to be one myself, but God knew that was not the true desire of my heart.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

And here we are getting ready to welcome Baby Bates #2 into our family. Sometimes I have to smile about everything God has done for me, for us, and for our family. I am so glad things haven't worked out according to my plans. And I am constantly reminded that His ways truly are higher than our ways.

Since We're Among Friends

Though most of what I post on my blog is light, fun, and photographic I have been feeling like I need to share more about what's going on in my life. What's really going on. And though I know everyone who reads this I don't necessarily know their life circumstances at any given moment. So I hope someone reading this can find comfort in knowing they are not alone if they are in a similar trial.

Our pastors have been talking a lot about favor (and faithfulness) in church and I don't mind telling you that "favorful" is the last thing Tom and I have been feeling. Every year we have experienced a major, and sometimes devasting, challenge. We've been frustrated because we know we are doing things right, but still can't seem to get ahead. We know without a doubt that I am supposed to be home full-time with Tennyson. We don't want anyone else caring for him day in and day out but his Mommy. We know without a doubt that Tom is supposed to be teaching at Blue Ridge. As the only full-time male teacher, we know there are kids that need him to be that Godly role model, especially those children from broken homes.

Thankfully, we are part of an awesome home group and when we shared with them about how life's been going for us, they offered to come pray for us.....and bring reinforcements! I won't share everything that was prayed for us and over us, but it was all GOOD! Tom, especially, has felt that there's something "bigger" out there but doesn't know what that "bigger" thing is. So we are believing there are bigger and better things ahead for us as husband and wife and as a family. We are also believing these lean times are just a season of learning before God brings His bounty. Tom and I do feel blessed in so many ways, but we know that God has something else for us.

Along that path, there has been talk of expanding our family. We know we may face the same challenges (and expenses) trying to conceive. I do have to confess, since we're among friends, that it's really, really hard for me to be excited for people that can make babies without trying. I guess it would come under that ugly word of "jealousy." (Gasp!) For me, and many of my friends, it's was a long and painful road. One friend in particular just found out she may have problems conceiving. I have cried so many tears for her this past week because I know her pain, confusion, and grief all too well. Listening to her was so surreal. It's exactly where I was 2 years ago. I have told Tom that if Tennyson is the only child we were able to have, though not ideal, I could still be content because we were blessed with him. I am just so thankful for our little boy! For me having Tennyson was God's restoration in the most profound sense. And I await....and pray....and hope to have that again. For me and my dear friend.

Two Months From Today.....

...it will be Christmas!!! (Please note the countdown to the left.) My darling husband said no "Christmas countdown until after Thanksgiving", but I reminded him who's blog it was. Haha!

The Christmas season has always been particularly special to Tom and I. We started dating about two weeks before Christmas in 2002. The following Christmas Day he proposed. Then two days after Christmas in 2006 we found out we were going to be parents.

I LOVE everything about Christmas! I love the feeling of it! I love the reason we celebrate it! I love being with family! I love giving gifts! I love seeing the excitement and anticipation of my loved ones opening presents! I LOVE decorating! (I do go a little overboard with a Christmas tree, a village draped in "snow", a huge coffee table display, lights on the porch, lighted garland over the front door, lighted garland inside on the banister, and hanging stockings.) I love the traditions we have! I love that I have a little boy that's old enough to get excited about Christmas! And yes, I love the food that comes only with the holidays! It's all just so wonderful!

I can't wait to see what this Christmas brings!

(Did I mention I LOVE Christmas?)

Stressed.....but Blessed

This past week marked the official start of school for Tom and therefore the return of the full-time kids I care for. The first few days were really, really rough and the kids weren't the only ones crying. But the boys (both are almost 1-year old) got better by the end of the week. I just kept reminding myself that it would take them a little while to get used to a new routine, sleeping in a new place, and being without their mothers. And that got me thinking about why I was doing all this in the first place......for Tennyson.

Yes, I lost my job involuntarily and unexpectedly, but I often forget how God totally turned it around. Now I will be the first person to admit that though I am an organizational freak I sometimes procrastinate. And at this time in my life with so many interruptions from Tennyson and the shear strength it takes to keep up with him most days there is NO way I could have done office work from home. To tell you the honest truth, I decided to do childcare because it was the fastest way to make an income and so many of the work-at-home jobs take a long time to get up and running. On the rough days and weeks I just keep telling myself that this is just for a season. I won't do this forever.

Being a stay-at-home mom was always a dream of mine, but as time passed I just never thought it was going to be financially possible. Of course I figured I'd just be caring for my little one, not 4 one-year olds and an almost 3-year old, but.......The point is that even though things haven't worked out exactly the way I imagined I find peace knowing that I am the one that cares for my little boy every day. All I have to do is look in Tennyson's face and I realize that this is my dream coming true.

A Young Man's Battle

Yesterday Tom, Tennyson, and I visited a former student of Tom's in the hospital. Tyler was recently diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer and he was in for his 3rd round of chemo. My heart just hurts for him. He's 14. He's tired. He's sick. He's bald. He's starting high school this year. Can you even imagine what he's going through? Tyler is blessed to have a great support system in his parents, twin brother, and lots of friends.

I know we all have a lot going on in our lives. I know you probably don't even know this family. But I just want to ask that you be praying for Tyler. He's such an amazing young man and he's got an awfully long road ahead of him. Thankfully, his prognosis is good, but for this young soccer player you can imagine his disappointment in missing out on the season.

A good friend of their family is organizing meals, house work, etc. hopefully to cover the entire 42-week chemo schedule. If you feel lead to do more than pray please let me know so we can put you on the "helper" list.

Otherwise, please keep him, and his family, in your prayers. Pray for God's almighty healing power. Amen.

"But we had a month!" (Tennyson's Birth Story)

Our sweet little Tennyson Harper turns one year old today. I can hardly believe we are already reaching this milestone with him. After all the praying, crying, fertility treatments, waiting, bloodwork, doctor's visits, and tests we were finally going to meet this little baby we tried so hard to have. A friend once told me that there was just something very special about the love for a baby who's parents had to go to extra measures to get pregnant. Not that pregnant-on-the-first-try parents love their babies less, it's just different. Going month after month while all your friends were easily getting pregnant was such a difficult journey. So to say we felt blessed and excited doesn't even come close to what we experienced that day.

I want to document Tennyson's birth story while it's still relatively fresh in my mind. Yet I know there are things about that day I'll never forget as long as live, like the first time I saw him and the love I felt. But I do want to remember to events leading up to his birth.

So here's the story of how he came to be born. I rolled over in bed at 4:45AM thinking I had a sudden urge to "go" and barely made it to the bathroom in time when my water broke. I started yelling for Tom, who was so calm it made me crazy. (Thank goodness we balance each other out!) I called my sister and then had the doctor paged. Of course we were advised to head right to the hospital. She asked if I had had any contractions and I told her I hadn't. The second I hung up the phone boy did they start! I had never even had Braxton Hicks so I didn't know what to expect. I knew contractions would hurt, they're supposed to hurt, but oh...my...word. I could tell we needed to go NOW, so we literally grabbed a towel and ran out of the house. The weather was notable, as it was unseasonably cool and rainy that morning, and continued to rain throughout the day. On the short ride to the hospital I tried to "breathe" like they teach you in childbirth class, which was completely useless. I guess it works for some people. Anyway, I politely advised my husband to run any red lights and am proud to say he did! Oh the love!

I was too uncomfortable to walk when we got there so Tom went in and they took me up to the 3rd floor in the wheelchair and quickly got me into a room and hooked up to.....everything. It didn't even phase me. I was so crazy excited MY turn had finally come!! They checked to see how far along I was. When we asked they just kind of looked at each other and said they wanted the doctor's opinion. Okay, what does that mean? I had NO concept of time pretty much thewhole day, so I don't know how long it was until my doctor got there, but when she checked me she confirmed I was already at 8 cm!!!! I was pretty proud of myself! I thought I was going to be a 2-3 cm give-me-drugs kind of woman.

For the record, I hold on to my sister's philosophy, "If you weren't present at the conception, you're not coming to the birth." Other people can do what they want, but the ONLY people I wanted in that room, besides the medical people, were my husband and my doula. I am SO glad I chose to have Steph as part of Tennyson's birth! I don't know how I could have gotten through it without both of them. They were so good at encouraging, praying, and keeping me calm! I was definitely feeling blessed! My wonderful husband was beside me, holding my hand, and stroking my head the whole time!

I knew I wanted to get as far as I could without the use of meds, but had no problem whatsoever using them if needed. So after lots of very strong, unbearable contractions I was ready for the epidural. I declare it one of the BEST inventions ever!! I remember holding on to Tom, not feeling anything but the frequent, strong contractions. It's never too late for it, because I was 9 cm when they gave me those lovely drugs! (Funny thing was the anesthesiologist had been at my brother's wedding two days before, and so was one of the nurse's we had during our stay.) I am SO glad I chose to have the epidural. It just made everything much more enjoyable (for lack of a better word) and otherwise I couldn't have managed the next part.

I really wanted my doctor to deliver Tennyson since he'd seen us through the whole fertility process and my prayers were answered. A few hours after we checked in he was the one on call! Like I said I kind of lost track of time, but all in all I pushed every 2 minutes for THREE-and-a-half hours in every position possible with absolutely no progress. The good news was that Tennyson tolerated labor really, really well. His heart rate never dropped during all the pushing. My doctor, who is a-m-a-z-i-n-g by the way, would come in and I would beg and plead to let me push one more hour and to please not cut me open. But in the end, it was my only option. After 3+ hours of no progress it was the best thing for Tennyson and I. It turns out his head wasn't straight so he wasn't coming any other way than a c-section. And you know, it really wasn't that bad. Recovery was rough, but it would have been either way.

So after getting me ready and Tom into scrubs, Tennyson was born at 12:20PM. Since we hadn't found out what we were having I wanted Tom to be the one to tell me. So when he came out they held him up for Tom to see. He leaned down and said, "It's a boy." My response, "I knew it!" I really did. In my heart I knew it was a boy and I was thrilled. We both were. Tennyson Harper was an 8 lb. 2 oz. preemie, but completely healthy. In fact he was full-term in every way but gestation!

It was finally here. The moment we'd waited so long for. They held Tennyson over the screen for me to see and yes, he was messy, but beautiful. I had never laid eyes on a more beautiful child in my life. (I still haven't!) The tears were uncontrollable. It's amazing the instant, unconditional, intense love you feel for someone you've just met. We had a few moments with the three of us before they took him away to be cleaned, etc. and I had to get stitched up.

The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room and asking for "my baby". It seemed like forever, but they finally brought him in. I never, ever wanted to let him go. I couldn't believe he had just come from inside me! What a wonderful, almighty God to design such perfection. He was so tiny (even at 8lbs), with all his little fingers, toes, and facial features. I couldn't get enough of him. I just thought over and over again that he was mine, ours. Half Tom and half me. The miracle of new life was before us and we definitely felt God's love pouring over us as a family of three.

Tennyson was born on Monday, and we were going home Thursday. I could stay an extra day because of the surgery if I wanted to and I am glad I did. There were some rough moments in the hospital, due to the c-section, but nothing a little morphine couldn't fix. We knew Tennyson was having an issue with jaundice, but they discharged us with a follow-up appt for bloodwork the next day. Sure enough his count was at 20 Friday morning so we had to literally turn around and go back in. I was devastated, but my family and friends came to see us the whole week we were there, bringing gifts and food. I didn't mind the hospital stay, it was actually kind of fun, but I didn't care for the food.

On Sunday, almost a week after he was born we were home for good. Tom and I still laugh about the ride home. "Oh my goodness, we're going home. We have a baby." The next few weeks and months were filled with visitors but also lots of doctor's appts because Tennyson didn't gain weight well. But that's all over now!

He's a happy, healthy, adorable boy and Tom and I feel blessed beyond measure. We thank God every day for our miracle baby. Looking back we realize, too, how perfect His timing was. Since Tennyson came a month early Tom was able to be home for three weeks before school started. What a blessing for him to have that undivided bonding time with our son!

For memory's sake here are some photos from Tennyson's first few days of life:





Mommy and Daddy love you very much, Sweet Boy!!! More today than yesterday and not as much as tomorrow.

This Time Last Year.....

As we drove by my old office Saturday on the way to the party store I realized that it marked exactly one year since my last working day there. And it made me wonder: Where has the time gone? So much of last summer seems a blur. I was in two weddings last July, one of which was my brother's on the 28th. I was big pregnant and the reception was outside in very hot and humid conditions. Some of you mothers could probably identify with my discomfort.

Okay, so this is actually from the maternity photos Lisa took for us on 7.7.08.

Ah, but let's not forget about that rash. I apparently fell into the 1% of women who develop an allergic rash during pregnancy. The itchy red bumps were e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e, on my palms, the soles of my feet, in between my fingers. I would soak my feet in ice water every evening and then go to bed every night with ice packs on my hands just to keep from scratching them bloody. No cream on earth seemed to help either. I officially declare it the worst pregnancy side effect ever!!! I would rather have had morning sickness every day. Hands down. So be thankful if you are preggars and rash-free! (*Please note: this has been something I've considered when deciding whether to try for #2. Yes, it was THAT bad!)

So needless to say the night of their wedding I was....um.... just a little irritable and exhausted. But we made it through, not knowing Tennyson planned to make his entrance in less than two days. Since we had family coming in town for the wedding I was really pushing Tom to get the crib and changing table put together so we could complete the nursery. Oh boy, am I glad we did!

The next day I stayed home from church to "rest" (read: clean my house from top to bottom - I was in nesting mode from the moment I found out I was pregnant). We ran errands that afternoon, etc. etc. etc. I had no idea what was in store for us at 4:45AM the next day. I am SO glad God is the one in charge. The fact that Tennyson was born a month early was a blessing for innumerable reasons, which I will elaborate on more in the next post.