Tom and I recently had the misfortune of finding ourselves at the target of hurtful words from two people we love and trusted very much. It came out of no where. It was unprovoked and uncalled for. They even stooped so low as to insult our children. I can not tell you how deeply painful this was. We have been nothing but kind towards them. If we were so awful why did you come over all the time? Why did you readily babysit?
I don't really need to go in to detail about what they said (because it's completely untrue and therefore irrelevant), but basically they gave us unsolicited parenting advice (and said mean things on Facebook no less!), which they know very little about. It's much like trying to do surgery when you've only completed your undergrad. Their excuse was that they "wanted to help." But honestly, I thought everyone knew not to give advice unless it's asked for, especially if you have less knowledge than the person you are giving it to.
The bottom line is they had no right to criticize us. They haven't dealt with potty-training, bedtime battles, back-talking, picky eating, tantrums, sibling quarrels, or serious lessons in patience. And that's just to name a few! So yeah, I gotta news flash for ya, the way my 3-year acts is completely normal! I can safely say ALL my friends that have/are parented/parenting a 2 or 3 year old say all the same things. "It's so frustrating. I want to hide in the closet and scream. What am I doing wrong? They think they are in charge."
I spoke to a few family members and a couple close friends and no one, NO ONE, agreed with anything they had to say. (Yes, they are many other people who have spent lots of time around my family.) Everyone assured me my children are good, (gasp!) well-behaved even! That children go through phases of trying to see how much they can get away with and where discipline is frustrating because nothing seems to work. They all reassured me that I am a great mommy and that I am doing a wonderful job. (I can't tell you how much it hurt to question the only thing I knew I was good at!)
So where does that leave me? Do I forgive them even though they haven't apologized? Does forgiving mean that there is some truth in what they said? The answers are actually very simple. Yes, I forgive because I am forgiven. And no, just because I forgive them, therefore releasing whatever anger and bitterness they have caused, doesn't mean there is an ounce of truth to anything they said.
"The secret of forgiving everything is to understand nothing." ~ Shaw
And I do understand nothing. I don't know why they said what they said with such anger and hurtful words. But I still choose to forgive them. I will not be burdened by anger and bitterness in my heart. It will only continue to worsen and grow if I don't forgive and move on.
"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time." ~ Paddison
I love this quote I found. Even though we (and several others) agree an apology is owed for insulting those dearest to my heart, I am not holding my breath. They will find out soon enough just how wrong they were when (not if) they find themselves in the exact same situation.
In the meantime, if they are reading this, then I just want to say: Even though you really hurt us, we still love you. And I forgive you for what you did and said. Someone keeps asking why he doesn't see you anymore. It breaks my heart to look in those big, blue eyes and see his hurt. I don't really know what to say to him, except I love him and I think he's a smart, amazing, wonderful, darling boy. No matter what anyone says.
